TOUCHMEDONOTTOUCHMEIAMALIVE

Thursday, January 1, 1970

I saw my god, but my god what have you done to me?

Organize it. They don't understand how I can not know the order of my memories. It is bizarre to them that I have this collection of meaningless pieces of my life, and I have no idea what happened when. They want me to piece it all together. They want a compendium of my memories. A fucking memoir. I can't do that. One of my earliest memories is of my father feeding beer to our cat. I remember giggling and then taking a sip of beer for myself. Oh how nice it was to be three. I remember running around outside naked. I remember being hit by a car at five because my dad's girlfriend had locked me outside and I was playing in the road. It wasn't much of a hit, and I wasn't hurt. Not physically anyway. I remember stepping on a nail and it almost going through my foot. I remember stepping on a bee and the stinger being stuck in my foot. Two months later I dug it out with a needle. I was probably eight. I remember the first time I was ever stung by a bee. I swatted it with my hand while it was on my babysitter's porch rail, and it stung me. I remember being more shocked and scared than hurt. I remember sitting on a swingset and crying. I remember living in a housing project, and an older woman who would give the kids in the project popsicles frequently during the summer. I remember my first best friend. He was a chubby black kid, and I cannot remember his name, but I do remember that his initials were GJE, the same as mine. I remember when I first fell in love with music. My uncle gave me a cassette of the band KISS and I was amazed. I eventually stole most of his other KISS cassettes as time went on. I remember thinking wrestling was stupid until one day when I saw a pay-per-view that my uncle was watching and one character betrayed another. I became enamored by the story behind all the senseless fighting. I remember fighting senselessly often as a kid. I got bullied a lot. I was a thin kid until middle school. I gained a lot of weight and lost all confidence. I remember the first girl I fell in love with, way back in fifth grade. I remember crying when she moved. Lenaya Lemoine. Short blonde hair. She was beautiful. I remember breaking a kids nose against a wooden pole because he pushed her. I remember the second girl even more. It was sixth grade, and her name was Krystal Gagne. I remember when she started dating the one kid that bullied me the most. I hated him even more. I remember the day they were caught making out under a table. I have no clue why the fuck there was a table, or why we were all sitting on the floor, or why some people were hidden away and such, but I remember the hurt. I remember leaving that school halfway through seventh grade. I remember her coming back into my life in eleventh grade. She was still just as beautiful. I actually became her friend. Three months later I moved out of town. Let's go back to younger. I remember waking up countless morning when my mom would make eggs with cheese. I had a different mom then than I do now. I remember her boyfriend throwing a fish tank at my head. I remember another boyfriend calling me a pussy when I cried because I had been stung by a bee. I hate bees. This mom stopped contacting me sometime around ten or eleven. She just recently came back in to my life. I remember leaving home at eighteen. I remember drinking. A lot of drinking. I still do that. A lot. I remember Alicia. I remember her showing us the bunny. It was named Maybelline, because it looked like it had eye shadow due to the black rings around it's eyes. I remember the white Russians. She kept making them and I kept drinking them. I remember sleeping on the floor because someone had passed out in her bed. I remember scooting up close to her and putting my arm around her. I remember her pressing against me. I remember her whispering "Downstairs. The couch," and getting up and walking downstairs. I remember slowly following. Stumbling. I remember being sixteen and sneaking over to my then girlfriends house. Her parents were out of town. I remember sneaking in to her window. This was not even necessary, as her sisters already knew I was coming. I remember the Eminem song that played on repeat. It was her favorite at the time. I remember one thing progressing to another. I remember my first. I remember my first kiss. She was obsessed with me, and I was scared of her. She bit my lip. I remember developing a thing for biting. I remember angry sex with one girl where I bit down until she bled, and she only begged for me. That night ended in confusion. I remember drinking every night. I remember Alicia telling me I wasn't wrong in it. That I was only looking to relax after countless 12 hour work shifts. I remember changing. I remember blaming her for it. I remember hating her for it. I remember the night I all but cheated on her. I remember that person well too. I remember hurting both of them more than I've ever hurt anyone else. I can never atone for what I did to either. I remember treating my best friend like absolute shit. Which one? Pick one. I remember being cheated on. I remember such confusion. Of all the it could never happen to mes to be written off, I never saw it coming. I guess that's the point though. I remember wanting it to work. I remember being so angry. I remember breaking my wrist. I remember Jess. She told me days after that she realized she did not love me. I was heavily medicated and highly irrational. Days after that I was heavily medicated and drinking just as heavily. Months later I was homeless. I remember sleeping on the couch of the one person who I really trusted to be there for me. I remember months after this violating her. I was drunk. Go figure. It was never brought up afterward, and I can't swear to it that she remembers. I remember having such a thing for her. I remember drinking so much that I pissed myself. I remember drinking so much that I punched through any number of objects. I remember drinking so much that I tried to climb onto my roof with no clothes on. I remember stealing bikes as a child and rebuilding them. I remember getting pissed at my aunt for getting me a toy car set I already had. I remember writing songs of a violent sex I knew nothing of. I remember years later reading them and being startled by how accurate I had been. I remember Kat. She woke me up after fifteen years of being asleep, and I eventually threw it all back in her face. I remember hurting everyone who ever loved me. I remember wanting to die.

I saw something beneath me today.

You were my last hope. You didn't know. You'll never know. I'm pretty sure you don't read this. I have never had such a chemistry with a person. I don't know. It's like sparks were firing off. Electricity, and I wasn't grounded. I was taken aback by the approach, and the next few days that followed. It still stings to go to that spot downtown. It shouldn't. It really shouldn't. We were so short lived. I remember every day we spent together. The fireworks. The sushi. When Vikki said to me I could date you, that it was alright with her. How much the idea made me smile. How much I smiled when you said yes. The walking robot. The way that we lied together, naked. You were not ready, so we just lied there. The way you were so worried of how I'd think of you, when all you were was golden in my mind. The secret dock. We never did find that waterfall. You saw me fall from my bike, and I was so embarassed. You cheered me up though. When you sang Paramore for me. It made me shiver, how beautiful it was. You came to my sister's graduation. Met my family. Everyone really liked you. We climbed that tree. It's still my favorite tree to climb. I love it. I can't go back for a while though. We went to your little town. I almost drowned, and your sister's advice saved me. And I thought the bike situation was bad. I still hate myself a little for that moment. I must have seemed so pathetic. You sang at your high school's graduation, and it was beautiful. You kinda faltered at one part, but it wasn't as big a deal as you thought, and you still sounded amazing. And at dinner, I could tell you were upset, but I had no idea that it was that. I was crushed. I had just made you that mixtape where every songs title had the word love in it. I was such a fool. And then I destroyed everything. I'm still trying to rebuild it. And now it seems I may get the privellege of seeing a friend get everything I lost. Hey jealousy.