TOUCHMEDONOTTOUCHMEIAMALIVE

Thursday, January 1, 1970

I saw my god, but my god what have you done to me?

Organize it. They don't understand how I can not know the order of my memories. It is bizarre to them that I have this collection of meaningless pieces of my life, and I have no idea what happened when. They want me to piece it all together. They want a compendium of my memories. A fucking memoir. I can't do that. One of my earliest memories is of my father feeding beer to our cat. I remember giggling and then taking a sip of beer for myself. Oh how nice it was to be three. I remember running around outside naked. I remember being hit by a car at five because my dad's girlfriend had locked me outside and I was playing in the road. It wasn't much of a hit, and I wasn't hurt. Not physically anyway. I remember stepping on a nail and it almost going through my foot. I remember stepping on a bee and the stinger being stuck in my foot. Two months later I dug it out with a needle. I was probably eight. I remember the first time I was ever stung by a bee. I swatted it with my hand while it was on my babysitter's porch rail, and it stung me. I remember being more shocked and scared than hurt. I remember sitting on a swingset and crying. I remember living in a housing project, and an older woman who would give the kids in the project popsicles frequently during the summer. I remember my first best friend. He was a chubby black kid, and I cannot remember his name, but I do remember that his initials were GJE, the same as mine. I remember when I first fell in love with music. My uncle gave me a cassette of the band KISS and I was amazed. I eventually stole most of his other KISS cassettes as time went on. I remember thinking wrestling was stupid until one day when I saw a pay-per-view that my uncle was watching and one character betrayed another. I became enamored by the story behind all the senseless fighting. I remember fighting senselessly often as a kid. I got bullied a lot. I was a thin kid until middle school. I gained a lot of weight and lost all confidence. I remember the first girl I fell in love with, way back in fifth grade. I remember crying when she moved. Lenaya Lemoine. Short blonde hair. She was beautiful. I remember breaking a kids nose against a wooden pole because he pushed her. I remember the second girl even more. It was sixth grade, and her name was Krystal Gagne. I remember when she started dating the one kid that bullied me the most. I hated him even more. I remember the day they were caught making out under a table. I have no clue why the fuck there was a table, or why we were all sitting on the floor, or why some people were hidden away and such, but I remember the hurt. I remember leaving that school halfway through seventh grade. I remember her coming back into my life in eleventh grade. She was still just as beautiful. I actually became her friend. Three months later I moved out of town. Let's go back to younger. I remember waking up countless morning when my mom would make eggs with cheese. I had a different mom then than I do now. I remember her boyfriend throwing a fish tank at my head. I remember another boyfriend calling me a pussy when I cried because I had been stung by a bee. I hate bees. This mom stopped contacting me sometime around ten or eleven. She just recently came back in to my life. I remember leaving home at eighteen. I remember drinking. A lot of drinking. I still do that. A lot. I remember Alicia. I remember her showing us the bunny. It was named Maybelline, because it looked like it had eye shadow due to the black rings around it's eyes. I remember the white Russians. She kept making them and I kept drinking them. I remember sleeping on the floor because someone had passed out in her bed. I remember scooting up close to her and putting my arm around her. I remember her pressing against me. I remember her whispering "Downstairs. The couch," and getting up and walking downstairs. I remember slowly following. Stumbling. I remember being sixteen and sneaking over to my then girlfriends house. Her parents were out of town. I remember sneaking in to her window. This was not even necessary, as her sisters already knew I was coming. I remember the Eminem song that played on repeat. It was her favorite at the time. I remember one thing progressing to another. I remember my first. I remember my first kiss. She was obsessed with me, and I was scared of her. She bit my lip. I remember developing a thing for biting. I remember angry sex with one girl where I bit down until she bled, and she only begged for me. That night ended in confusion. I remember drinking every night. I remember Alicia telling me I wasn't wrong in it. That I was only looking to relax after countless 12 hour work shifts. I remember changing. I remember blaming her for it. I remember hating her for it. I remember the night I all but cheated on her. I remember that person well too. I remember hurting both of them more than I've ever hurt anyone else. I can never atone for what I did to either. I remember treating my best friend like absolute shit. Which one? Pick one. I remember being cheated on. I remember such confusion. Of all the it could never happen to mes to be written off, I never saw it coming. I guess that's the point though. I remember wanting it to work. I remember being so angry. I remember breaking my wrist. I remember Jess. She told me days after that she realized she did not love me. I was heavily medicated and highly irrational. Days after that I was heavily medicated and drinking just as heavily. Months later I was homeless. I remember sleeping on the couch of the one person who I really trusted to be there for me. I remember months after this violating her. I was drunk. Go figure. It was never brought up afterward, and I can't swear to it that she remembers. I remember having such a thing for her. I remember drinking so much that I pissed myself. I remember drinking so much that I punched through any number of objects. I remember drinking so much that I tried to climb onto my roof with no clothes on. I remember stealing bikes as a child and rebuilding them. I remember getting pissed at my aunt for getting me a toy car set I already had. I remember writing songs of a violent sex I knew nothing of. I remember years later reading them and being startled by how accurate I had been. I remember Kat. She woke me up after fifteen years of being asleep, and I eventually threw it all back in her face. I remember hurting everyone who ever loved me. I remember wanting to die.