Monday, October 26, 2009


This is gonna be weird. Right off the bat, this is scary. I'm not even sure how to do this anymore. i used to just sit down and let everything pour out of me. I don't know why it's not so easy anymore. I think it's that there didn't used to be pressure. It used to be for me. So I feel like if I keep this to myself it's ok. Maybe only tell a few people.

I feel like I'm being watched all the time. I just keep wanting to sink further into obscurity, but at the same time I don't. My other blog's success excites me. It's not my face that's recognizable, so that's fine. I kinda don't really have friends anymore. I mean, there are some people. But I don't have anyone I feel like I could call if I just need to talk. And it's not that I don't think anyone is there. I just don't know how to talk about how I feel anymore.

I think having that pseudonym helped. I could pretend I was telling the story of some mythical admiral who lived forever. And sure it's relations to me were painfully obvious, but it was enough to propel me into an expressive state. Maybe I just need a new character. I know I can't return to the admiral. I can't really explain what I hate about him so much, but I hate it.

I don't really feel at home anywhere lately. I'm gonna stop right now. I'll write some more later. I'm gonna think some more on this new character as well.